Sunday, November 21, 2010

For J.

Really I'm just afraid. Afraid of failure. I don't trust my body and I don't trust my mind. When I say "I hate..." I really mean "I fear..."

I have a degenerative disease and no medical support. I've had such awful things happen to me in a hospital that no one even believes them. Actually, most of my doctors have been bad ones. That's the truth. I've had two doctors I've seen whom I would call 'excellent.' And three that I would call 'very good.' Of those, two are in state and one is accessible.

One says that my weird group of symptoms is migraines, the other says that it is atlanto-axial hypermobility leading to impingement of my cranial nerves and I should see a neurosurgeon.

But I have to digest this somehow. I just have to. And call the Board of Education on Monday and ask them how I can start subbing. My resumé is up to date and everything. With a terminal degree such as I have, I could teach full-time, without the need for licensure, provided the school is willing to hire me.

I don't know whether my head is coming off my neck or whatever. I really do need something done about my hips, even if it's just a proper set of crutches. And my left thumb is coming off the rest of my hand.

But I'm sure I can keep the third graders company until their regular teacher comes back.


Em said...

snap with the drs. count the number of my left hand who are open minded enough to treat the disease with the respect needed. luckily living near in south london the journey to them isnt a hassle. i cant imagine travelling any further, well i couldnt of last year.

im learning to stand up for myself, something that ive not done consistantly in the past. especially with figures in authority. is this my lesson in life? is this what ive been given to guide me through life? i dont know on an optomistic day i can take it, other days im not so sure. sorry for the ramble. x

Yvette said...

I understand what you mean about optimistic days. On those days, I feel ready to conquer the world. I'll go back to the old days like it was nothing.

But today was a bad pain day for me. I was crying in the post office as I was mailing a package. And I finally broke down and asked my mother to take me to urgent care (a step down from the ER). I did not feel up to conquering the world, or substitute teaching or volunteering. I wanted to go direct to bed.

Standing up for yourself is so important. If you lie down or give in even a little, I feel like you get steamrollered.