My notion of myself is changing slowly. It changes in dreams. Last night I dreamed I was in a train station. It was busy, bustling with people. I was trying to catch a train to Chicago, but the trains were ill-labeled. It was very confusing and I would run onto a train only to find it was the wrong one at the last minute and dash off again. The passengers seemed not to notice. Frustrated, I tried again to figure out which train was bound for Chicago. I needed to find the westbound train, but every time I thought I'd found it, it turned out to be headed in another direction. When I woke up I thought even if I get back to Chicago, it may not be the Chicago I remember. And I won't be the person I was before, in any facet.
It's very difficult at almost thirty years old to realize you will have to live your life in a completely different way. Aspire towards different goals. And most challenging of all, try to adapt to a body that doesn't resemble the one I remember.
Really, it's overwhelming.
I fired my rheumatologist today and made an appointment with a new one. No clue if she'll be better than the previous one, but I'm hoping and praying that she is. I'm also off to the hematologist to see about a low iron saturation.
This is going to cost yet more money (that I probably don't have) but it's crucial to have a treating doctor...if I'm ever going to be able to work again. This is the downside of having a rare and incurable disease...actually finding a doctor who wants anything to do with you.